They say “God laughs when we make plans” but they also say “God has better dreams for you than you could ever dream for yourself”.  I certainly have accepted the first to be true and am starting to see/hope the second to be true.

The latest protocol of antibiotics has proven to be a bust.  Even with the week break between taking them, I started to get worse each week.  I stopped recovering when I was off them.  Fatigue increased, muscle weakness, further neurological, hormone imbalances, depression, and general fluy like feeling.  It was like facing lyme decline all over again.  I decided to tough it out because it is often hard to tell when it is herx reaction from bacteria kill off or just decline from illness.  My last blood test confirmed it for me and the doctor.  My body was not handling the drug well and my liver was certainly showing signs of challenge.  I had to stop the drug immediately.

I sat with that information for a while.  It was hard to know whether I was happy or sad about it.  There was a sense of relief that I could stop feeling so crappy.  I had wondered how I would last a year at this rate.  But then I wondered if my last chance to deal with the infection in my heart and head was lost.  But I like to think of it as a chance to regroup.  I need to regain the physical progress that I had made a few months ago.  I retained so much hope at that time.  I want to have that back.

I need to wait a month before I can try anything again.  I need to get my levels back to a healthy place with my blood tests and luckily I have seen a couple of new doctors that have more treatment options to try.  One is a Lyme specialist that has agreed to take me on despite the fact that they were not taking on new patients.  Another is working on a slightly different theory to deal with my remaining symptoms.  I am happy to still have options and very grateful to have som time to regain some health.  My slow deterioration and its similarity to the lyme decline was really wreaking havoc on my mental health, my hope and optimism.  I feel that coming back already.

It has been hard to update this blog partially because I was sick and weak, but also my neurological symptoms were a mess.  I am back to writing a little a day and after a few days, I have an update.  But, I really hope to start sharing more.  I have become part of a few groups and with the new doctors have learned so much more about this disease, health in general and many things we can be doing ourselves through this tough life we live.  Its hard on all of us. So hopefully I can share some simple, effective things we can be doing to make it easier…and trust me, I have tried it all and only plan to share what is tried and true.

So many times in this process I have had setbacks, But each time I seem to find something better as a result.  So I am very convinced that is what is happening now.  I am taking this month to find some balance, regain some health and find new focus for further healing.  But what I have decided to start doing more than looking ahead is to start living now.  So many times in this process and I see it all the time with other lyme patients, we look forward to the next solution, the results of what we are doing or for the Country to finally accept us as part of an epidemic, but none of those things are going to happen soon.  So I am starting to live now.  I want to start living life with the symptoms that exist, find happiness in each day regardless of how it could be perceived and know that no matter what kind of day I am having, it is better than before and better than what someone else might be experiencing.  Just writing that feels good.

So here’s to more updates and info coming soon, to health and happiness for everyone and finding good in what may look bad…I’m on my way back.