I have great news to report! As to be expected, the second week after treatment, good days are possible and they happened. I have been waiting a long time to feel like I was “turning a corner” and I think I can safely say, “I have turned a corner”. Parts of my days I feel much more myself and am confident this route was the right one for me. Secretly, you start to doubt yourself on the bad days, when the treatments make you feel worse than the disease and when the road seems to go on forever. But when the good days happen finally, it is impossible to deny.
I know this is really just the start and the good days will be come more and more as the weeks go on. I learned a hard lesson though the past few days. It is really easy to fool yourself about how good you feel and easy to set yourself back by doing too much. The doctor in New York warned me that until you were 70% better, you would set your recovery back 30% every time you over did it. Well, I did overdo it a few times, because it is hard to accept how little I can still do but it feels so damn good to feel myself for a few hours. I have always thought I only learned by doing and always seem to do thing the hardware…so why stop now. I now just focus on my daily treatments, if some days that is all I can get done…the so it shall be.
I am realizing that it actually takes most of my day just to do my treatments. Motivation and energy are low each day to push yourself physically to do the same thing you did yesterday, without anyone pushing you along. It makes me reflect on what the wellness trainer Elanda did for me in Utah. She is so good at her job that I just had to show up, no matter how I felt, I knew she would talk me through it. She did every day and always seemed to know the right thing to say. I feel very grateful to her, for pushing me to finish, and finish well, through the toughest mental and physical challenge of my life. Its always an inspiring experience to come across people who love what they do and do it well…I feel like I have said that before lol.
I also have reflected a lot on the past few years, when things were at their worst and I realized something pretty significant for me; Even on a bad day now, I am in a very good place. No matter the number or magnitude of any setback, I am so much stronger, safer, supported and blessed, than any day in the last few years. I have accomplished so much, thanks to the people around me that no bad day can really be that bad. I finally have professionals that agree there was a major problem. I was treated with a research based system that clearly moved me months, if not years ahead in my recovery. I have been equipped to strengthen and support my body so that it can always best deal with this disease and feel like the most loved human being on the face of this earth. No bad days can take that away. That my friends, is the quintessential example of empowerment.
So although there are ups and down ahead for the next few months, I feel very privileged to have ups and down. All of what is going on is a sign of recovery, a sign of improvement and proof I am on the right path. No matter how bad a day it is, there is always good in every day. I don’t say that theoretically. I mean it literally. My worst days have so much more good, promise and hope than many of the days in my preceding years. I almost can’t remember how disabling this illness felt or how it wore away at everything I believed in myself. Each time it took more of my physical abilities away, I decided it would not stop me, until it worked away away my head and affected the simple tasks we take for granted. I now know, I never have to go back there. I can just keep working and working until each last symptom is gone for good. I have the power.
It does make me worry about those that are knowingly and unknowingly battle with this or another disease. I don’t know the answer to those challenges. But, if I was asked for one piece of advice it would be this; make sure you are doing everything, and I mean everything in your power to do all you can to help, build and heal yourself. Don’t stop seeking help, it comes in the strangest ways. At the end of the day you know yourself better than anyone and if you keep looking you will find the help you need, just make sure it starts with you.
I can now confidently say, I am on the road to recovery. I have waited awhile to say that and mean it. Despite the symptoms and challenges that still exist, I know I am on the right path to recovery and that can override anything. There have been so many people I want to thank along this road, but it would take longer than the recovery. And as much sadness is still out in the world, I cannot let it cloud the amazing support and love around me. People have the ability to change the world, because what all of you have done in a short while has changed my life.